"Give Me Revelation"

I've always considered myself someone who believes in a power greater than myself. Some people call it the Gods plural, some say it's Mother Nature, some say it's aliens, for me it's always been God. I was taught God created everything, the earth, the Heaven and that someday when I die I would go there, I would see all the people I've lost in my life and who wouldn't want to believe in something that incredible? When I was young, I was baptized as a Catholic and made First Communion as many young kids do. I was afraid of God at that time in my life. I was afraid of this great big church and I was afraid of the great man in the robe we called Father Hartnet, our Priest. I was afraid of that confessional and saying ALL OF THOSE Hail Mary and Our Father Prayers as penance for my sins. I went astray from the church. When I was 15 I lived with a pastor and his wife, they are awesome people. I got saved, I told everyone I believed that Jesus died on the cross for my sins and that through his death I am saved from my sins. Ah, seems lovely, but in all practicality as a teenage girl it didn't really mean a whole lot in my heart. I still did what wasn't really considered "Godly". I drank, I smoked, I had sex (before marriage), I cussed (like a sailor), I did drugs and I really didn't give a crap what people thought of it. I did all the things I had been told would get me a one way ticket to hell. But I had been told that as long as I believed that Jesus died for my sins that I would be forgiven and get into Heaven.
For many years I strayed from religion. I didn't have a desire really to build my relationship with God, I didn't really know if I believed in my relationship with him? I couldn't fathom why he would ever let anything bad happen to me if I was this child he loved so much? I went through so many trials and tribulations and all the while I thought I could do it on my own. Or I would pray to God only as a last resort instead of making it my first choice. There are so many things in my life that I let get in the way of me building a relationship with the only man in my life that will never forsake me, never leave me, always lift me up when I fall, always stand by my side when I walk the road of life with my head up, and the man that will carry me when I feel like I just can't go on anymore. Ah, you would think I was talking about my husband and to an extent my husband does those things for me, and God says he's suppose to do those things, but men are imperfect and he just can't be every single thing I need in my life at every moment in my life. The only man in my life that can do that is God. Ah, and where has God been the last however many years of my life I was doing all the things I shouldn't be doing? He's always been there for me, it's just been up to me to call on him. I still stray from religion, organized religion scares me. Someone telling me how I should be Godly or how I should be a Christian doesn't work for me. Someone telling me the Bible instead of allowing me to read it for myself, scares me, because are they really telling me what the Bible says? Someone telling me that I must attend church, that I must give 10% of my income to the church that I must go to Bible Study, that I must have my kids baptized or see them burn in hell is FREAKY!!! Who wouldn't RUN from the Lord with all of those conditions placed on you? Statistics are showing these days that many people are turning to Atheism and away from Christianity and why? Because of the lip service Christians provide. You know the Christians that attend church on Sunday and judge the rest of us who, drink, smoke, wear jeans in the house of God, spank or yell at our kids, and do other things they think are wrong. Just for the rest of us to see those same Christians screaming in the parking lot of the local Walmart at their kids. I'm a believer in if you talk the talk you should walk the walk. Now, you're asking me in your head what I'm talking about because you know I cuss, you know I yell at my kids (a lot), you know I drink, you know I like to have fun and you know there are a lot of things in my life that judgmental Christians wouldn't approve of. I'd be lying if I said I am running the path of the straight and narrow and that I'm never going to say the F word again and I'm never going to lose my temper with my kids and I'm done having a drink with dinner or going out with friends. And do I really need to add liar to my list of judgments that God will ultimately make on me? Yes I am saved by the Grace of God and the death of Jesus Christ, I am worthy and I get Grace for free, I don't have to "earn" it. God wants me to walk the path he has set for me, that he decided for me before I was born. But he knows I'm human, he knows I will stumble and fall he knows that I'm not PERFECT and he loves me anyway. And he says to me that if I confess my sins to him they will be forgiven. And now you're thinking... that sounds good, but your God forgives a guy who murders someone as long as he confesses it? Not exactly, God says that when you ask forgiveness you have to truly believe it in your heart, and that you're not suppose to do it again. So just saying yeah, I'm sorry I killed that guy doesn't get you your ticket into heaven.
Where am I going with this blog? Here's where........ It's about me!! Yes I'm being selfish (imagine that), but I'm being selfish in a different way. What do I mean? I mean recently I decided to attend the base chapel (air force base here called Peterson), I took my kids on their retreat and we had a good time. Then I went to Church a bit, then I tried the MOPS Group then I tried PWOC then I got sick, then I made excuse after excuse not to go to church or do any of it..... but this little voice inside me kept telling me I needed something, I needed some strength and I needed to figure out where it was going to come from. So I went to church, and the voice got louder, it said what do you need? How can you be strong for your family if you yourself are not strong? How can you convince others to have faith in you if you have no faith in yourself or anything else? Then I saw Pat. Pat is one of the Chaplin's wife and she is a minister herself. She told me I should try the PWOC (Protestant Women Of the Chapel) Group again, that they were just starting a new study and she was teaching one of them. So the voice got even stronger, and I thought but its early and I don't want to get out of bed that early.... but the voice said "you need this" so I went... and I went again and now I've been going for a month straight. And the voice inside me is even louder, and stronger!!! I've been reading my Bible. I got The Message Bible as a gift and it reads more like a story instead of verses with all those thees and thines etc. I can't understand in King James. Now, for some people King James is the only Bible to read but for me that doesn't work. Some people love hymnals, but for me Christian Contemporary and Rock is the only way to listen to music. And you know what, I'm listening to that voice a lot harder now. It's making a difference in my life. Little differences many people won't notice now. For example I'm cussing less (that doesn't mean I've stopped) but b/c of my changes and my new feelings toward God, I just don't feel right swearing. And when I do, I really honestly stop and think ew, I shouldn't do that, I don't need to do that, Lord I'm sorry and I'm really trying hard to be better. I've tried to stop yelling so much at my family. It's hard, they push my buttons and anxiety and anger are some things that I need to work on as I continue to build my faith but I'm actually making a serious effort to not yell so much. Some of you will be skeptics and I don't blame you, I too have been a skeptic of what having faith can do for me in my life. But I've found a place I belong, I'm not judged, no one cares if I wear jeans to church, and while they miss me if I don't come, no one says you must attend or judges me for not being there. I'm okay writing my check for what I can afford as an offering and signing it instead of feeling bad if it's only $5.00. I'm blessed. I truly believe that I am blessed and that is all I can offer you if you are skeptical of me right now. I know I'll stumble, I know I'll fall, I know my FB posts and blogs won't be all rainbows and roses but I also know that as I grow my faith the more peace and wonderful things I'll have in my life and the more at peace with myself I'll feel. That's why it's about me. It's about this relationship I want to have with God, it's about this feeling of peace I want to have, you can't even imagine how great I feel right now? I can't even explain it? So the title of my blog is "Give Me Revelation".... at the bottom of my blog is a song list and there is a song of this same title. For me music and song lyrics are how I relate life.  So here are the lyrics b/c this is how I have been feeling for so long and things are finally beginning to make sense to me..... Have a listen...
Revelation by Third Day
"My life, 
Has led me down the road that's so uncertain
And now I am left alone and I am broken, 
Trying to find my way, 
Trying to find the faith that's gone
This time, 
I know that you are holding all the answers
I'm tired of losing hope and taking chances, 
On roads that never seem, 
To be the ones that bring me home

Give me a revelation, 
Show me what to do
Cause I've been trying to find my way, 
I haven't got a clue
Tell me should I stay here, 
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I've got nothing without You
I've got nothing without You

Has led me down this path that's ever winding
Through every twist and turn I'm always finding, 
That I am lost again (I am lost again)
Tell me when this road will ever end

Give me a revelation, 
Show me what to do
Cause I've been trying to find my way, 
I haven't got a clue
Tell me should I stay here, 
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I've got nothing without You
I've got nothing without... 

I don't know where I can turn
Tell me when will I learn
Won't You show me where I need to go
Oh oh
Let me follow Your lead, 
I know that it's the only way that I can get back home

Give me a revelation, 
Show me what to do
Cause I've been trying to find my way, 
I haven't got a clue
Tell me should I stay here, 
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I've got nothing without You
I've got nothing without You

Oh, give me a revelation... 

I've got nothing without You
I've got nothing without You"

Ah, A new year has arrived. While I'd like to believe that I will blog more this year, I am not making any promises that I will probably break.


Last year held some exciting events for the Brown Family. We FINALLY sailed off (or flew off rather) that terrible Island of Oahu (that I do kind of think about fondly from time to time now). I miss my Ms. Liz & Mr. Charlie, Sherrie & Phil and of course my Barb & Dave (who have since gone back to Germany on their next adventure), but not before visiting us in Colorado for one good Patron night :).

We had a house built for us (over the phone) here in Colorado Springs and closed it in June 2011. We love it, it's amazing, it's big and it's just perfect for us. Five Bedrooms, finished basement w/rec room, loft for Andy and I with our giant flat screen and Lazy Boy Recliners and 3 1/2 bathrooms, kitchen with island and a decent sized fenced in yard. Not to mention a view of Pike's Peak. It's just wonderful.

Andy got a new truck shortly after we bought the house, well the same weekend actually. It's a Titan he loves it, it's perfect for him and as he says, it's the only thing he owns that is just his.

My brother Donald got married to his long time sweetheart Kristen Wiltse this summer. I demanded that I get off of that damn island in time to be there for the nuptials and my loving husband made it happen. Thankfully I had some extra help from Momma Gail with the kiddos and we got to spend some time in MO with my Sis-in-Law Amanda & family and of course the Webb's and Gowen's. It was cold in MO when we got there, well I thought it was, everyone there just figured I was crazy. I did forget how excruciatingly painful and HOT it can be in TN that time of year though, and even though it was just the end of May, it felt like mid July! Lucky for us we got to TN just in time for the cicadas to hit and they were EVERYWHERE!! It was quite the experience. We got to visit with Nelson too while we were in TN, but shortly after my brothers wedding, he too packed up his life and moved to GA where he got offered a job he couldn't refuse. My brother and his bride had quite the lovely wedding though. I am so happy for them.


After closing the house we headed straight up to NY to get my LEO BUDDY and to see my BABY BABY Sister Amber Jean graduate high school. She looked lovely and I'm so proud of her. HHS has a new auditorium, it looks nice, it was very strange visiting one of my old Alma maters. As much as I miss my family, I don't miss Upstate NY very much. A big thanks to my sis Ang and her hubby Jim for letting us stay a few days and for taking care of my big fat ass dog! Even though, I think it's your fault he's fat now.

We headed back to Momma Gail's in NE, she knows that I couldn't possibly thank her enough for all that she did this summer, keeping the kids, driving half the country with me, but I'll say it again anyway, you are much appreciated.


We moved in finally at the very end of June, right after celebrating our 9th Anniversary and my 34th Birthday.. Yeah I turn the big 3-5 this year.. scary! The kids have adjusted well, made friends and seem to be enjoying their schools. I think they are all happy they are in different schools from each other this year. Can you believe my Emily is a freshman and Billy isn't far behind? Furthermore can you believe that Grace will start school in the fall of 2013?? CRAZY!! Aiden is in 2nd... man where does the time go?



We've had a few visitors already. Mom and Aunt Margo came to visit and painted all of the kids rooms while they were here. We love them, and thank you both for all the time and effort you spent. It never goes unnoticed.




Ms Liz visited us too!! Although, I feel your visit was ENTIRELY TOO SHORT, I was glad to spend time with you and thankful to you for making me look amazing for the Ball Andy and I attended.


I'm looking forward to many of you visiting us this year.


We've been prepping for yet another long separation from each other.. cheer up peeps, don't be sad, we're out of Iraq now and that's one less war zone for us to be in... although I'm not thinking it would be to far fetched to say we could end up in some others? This separation won't be quite as long as the last 4 have been, there will be no R&R, which may be a blessing, since we won't have to say 2 goodbyes. Yes he is headed over the ocean and of course you all know since this is the Internet, that's all you get here. We are very happy to be part of a line MP Company again. I decided to join up into the FRG again. I started as a POC but you guys know me, I just think things have to be better than okay and families deserve to have a really great FRG, so I volunteered to be FRG LDR after a little while. Some other awesome ladies have also volunteered their time so I'm excited about it. I really do enjoy helping other families like mine. Plus I've already made some really great friends that I would trust with my kids lives. And, I like our Chain of Command, they seem level headed, committed to the soldiers and their families and determined to have a successful mission. I actually TRUST THEM!!! I'm not easily impressed but it seems this company is going to do good things. Lord knows they've been training and prepping like crazy.

Speaking of the Lord, I've strengthened my faith a bit this year. I have a long way to go yet, but I've started to go to church. Peterson Air Force Base has a great contemporary non-denominational Christian service on Sundays. The kids and I went on a retreat with the church and we loved it. Had a blast, met some great people. I still have a hard time getting fully involved, I'm a bit gun shy considering I had stepped away from church and religion for so long. I think that's why I like this service, b/c most of the people attending are military so we have a common bond there, and it's not you must be a Catholic, or a Protestant or a Methodist or whatever... you can just go and BE and listen to the message, and talk and walk with God how you feel comfortable without judgment. Plus I get to wear jeans to service so that's great for me too and they don't care if Grace gets antsy or loud lol.

I'm content right now where I am, where we are in our lives. 2011 was a crazy ride. I'm excited to see what 2012 brings for us. We will celebrate BIG THINGS this year. Andy and I will be married 10 YEARS this June, some of you placed bets we wouldn't make it past 6 months.. did you ever pay up??? I will turn 35 and while it feels like I'm getting old, at the same time, I'm realizing I need to grab my life by the balls and embrace the now, because I still have a LONG way to go before old age puts me in a grave. Billy will become a teenager at the end of this year. Emily will be 15 which is old enough for a permit in Colorado apparently? SCARY I KNOW!! Aiden and Grace will celebrate another year in their beautiful, carefree young lives.


That's all I have for now, I'm sure I'll post some bitchy madness over the course of the next 12 months but I'm hoping to also bring you some laughs and good things to report.




Until we meet again dear friends, I wish you love, happiness, peace and contentment in your own life, and I wish us both many many more years of friendship with each other. LOVE TO ALL. 

Walgreens & Tricare Benefits

I received a letter from Walgreens today that upset me. Apparently Walgreens is no longer going to be an approved network pharmacy for Tricare. I think this is a travesty considering how amazing Walgreens prescription services are. They are fast, friendly and efficient AND because their systems are all linked together it doesn't matter where in the US I go each Walgreens knows what I'm allergic to and what medications I'm currently taking. This is beneficial because they know exactly what drugs I can take together and what ones may be harmful to me because of my allergies. I know many Tricare members get their prescriptions on military installations however, I would urge you to go to your local Walgreens and sign the petition to keep them in our network. This summer during our PCS move both of my daughters got strep throat. We were seen in the ER in St. Louis. Now, most people know that you have to go to a pharmacy to have a script filled b/c the ER doesn't fill them. I chose to go to a Walgreens near by. Both of the girls scripts were $8.00 total b/c we have Tricare and b/c I used the Walgreens pharmacy. Since I had used them before the process was quick and they asked me if Emily was still taking her other medication which she was not. Two weeks ago I went to Walgreens for a ZPac b/c I had a sinus infection. I could've drove all the way to Ft. Carson and sat waiting at the pharmacy and got it for free, but I decided to go to the Walgreens next to my dentist office. Fifteen minutes and $4.00 later I was out the door. AND they said "Mrs. Brown are you allergic to iodine" I said not that I'm aware they said "well we just notice you're allergic to Keflex and this drug had iodine in it like Keflex so we wanted to make sure the allergy wasn't iodine related." They checked and rechecked and it made me feel very confident in that pharmacy. I just don't think you get that level of care at other places? I would urge all Tricare members to sign the petition to keep Walgreens in our network you can go to www.ichoosewalgreens.com click the TRICARE button and sign the petition to let DOD and Express Scripts(the provider of prescription services for TRICARE) that we want the right to choose Walgreens as a network pharmacy provider. Below you can read Walgreens letter to us.

HMM

Its not the same as it in my head. Taking the thoughts and slapping them down into words takes more thought than I sometimes think I'm really willing to do. Probably because as vocal as I am about things, I still feel like I need to filter when I'm talking about personal stuff. When I'm talking about how I'm feeling or talking about my family or my friends. I don't know why that is? I don't know why I have to do that? I don't really think I do? But since it's in internet land that may be why? When it's in my head I can take it back, change it if I want. Once it hits cyberspace it's there, for everyone to see, no taking it back, no letting it go. That's the thing with people, we don't forget. So even if we are forgiven for speaking out of turn or the wrong way of someone, they will never forget it, and it will always be somewhere inside of them stored away, waiting for you to screw up again..... Wouldn't it be so much easier if we could just say Dear Diary and let that be that? Let it not be a crucifixion if you think out loud. It's just must easier to type and less tiresome on your writing hand if you type it out into a blog. So here we all are blogging away, but never really saying to the fullest what we're thinking........

just thinking...

Notice I always blog when I'm in reflection....

I have a daughter starting HIGH SCHOOL!! What happened where did time go to? My baby Emily is a FRESHMAN!! It's completely got me thinking of all the things I did... of all the things I don't want her to do... of all the things I should've done and didn't. Of all those people that watched me grow into who I am today.
By the time I was Emily's age I thought I had been in love twice. I thought that I would be best friends with my inner circle for life and that we would buy houses next to each other, have kids at the same time and grow old together on the same street. Turns out, I wasn't "in love" I was learning what love was about. I am still FB friends with most of the people that were in my inner circle, but we've grown and gone different directions and I don't think any of us live on the same street? I thought that my hair and clothes were important, that who liked me was more important and that if I didn't have my friends I had nothing in life. Turns out, fashion changes, and the only thing important about my wardrobe is that it doesn't have kid snot, spit or vomit on it, and it has limited dog hair over it. And while having friends is important, having family is the most amazing thing I've ever done in my life. Trusting that there are a few people that if I said COME NOW I NEED YOU... they would without hesitation, really is all you need. But I know that it's nice to see old familiar faces on FB and to see all of those lives and where they are today and be happy knowing we all survived our teenage years.

As I think about Emily starting high school I keep thinking back to everything I did then.. Everything I remember and all the women who tried to tell me so and I was not listening.... as Brad Paisley says "its safe to say that, I'll get my payback" .... I am!!
So I'd like to say thank you to my mother who.... told me that Jason Butler was not the end of the world and that I would have many boyfriends in my life. I remember thinking.. you have no idea what you're talking about!!  My mother who immediately told all of my aunts when I needed a training bra and when I got my period.. I remember thinking she is the most embarrassing woman in the world. My mother AND dad who hated Greg Whitwer.. all over some un-shoveled steps. I would like to say sorry to my sisters for ruining it for every guy that had the courage to walk into our parents home... we're still hearing about that today, it was like 21 years ago, you think they'd get over it??     My mother who did not approve of that Donahue Boy!! Who told me he wasn't good for me and who grounded me over and over again... I remember thinking BUT I LOVE HIM....   hmmm... turns out.... we weren't good for each other, and we both survived our horrible break up. Chad you are always in my memories. My Mom who thought my friends were crazy but let them all stay at our house almost every weekend, who took us to dances, who took us to the skating rink who bit her tongue more times than she cared to.....
Mom, remember that time we came home from the dance it was like 80 degrees and I was wearing a turtleneck? Lol... that was dumb... I hope my daughter never comes home with a hickey, I may lose my mind just like you did.....
There were so many times I thought you were unfair that I thought you didn't understand that I didn't like you very much.... looking back, when you told me to keep my hair out of my face, I shoulda listened cuz I hate it when Emily is eating and her hair hangs on her plate, when you said you can be anything in the world you want to be, and why don't you be a lawyer and buy me a big house, I should've listened, I may be done paying off law school by now..... but I think I did pretty good this way....
when you told me not to kiss that boy, I should've walked away, cuz you knew he'd break my heart and I'd be devastated... took me a long time to get over that one....
when you told me, don't sign anything... I should've listened, slept on it then picked Germany as my first duty station. I still would've chose MP and still would've signed the paper anyway. When you said are you sure you want to marry him.... I should've thought long and hard about that, I don't regret those babies but I wish I would've been more grown up before I got married that first time.
Momma you've been more important to me than I ever could've known at 13 or 15 or even 18... but I know it now b/c my 14 year old thinks i'm unfair, uncool, miserable, old and that I am trying to ruin her life... think one day she'll tell me I'm cool again? I love you momma

theres some other people that were crucial to me being me and to me growing up.
Gram, she always knew when I was bullshitting her.... damn it!! I hope I have half her skill as a bullshit detector....
Aunt Shelly - tell it like it is, you listened to everything I ever had to say, you told me exactly what you thought and you set me straight when I didn't have a clue.... turns out I needed you in my life.
Donna - thanks for getting me through my Jr. and Sr. year, for taking me to the hospital when I broke my foot racing out to that boys car... thanks for letting me cry and calling same said boy a jerk when he broke my heart and then telling me I shouldn't talk to him ever again, but giving me the phone every time he called after that. Thanks for getting me ready for Prom, and NOT laughing at my hair, even though I think you were lying when you said it looked great.... Thanks for helping me with graduation and driving with me to college that first day.

Now that I'm grown I still have challenges and freak outs, they're just very different. Now I look at EMILY and its like looking in the mirror at a 14 year old version of MYSELF! That, I hate you, you're stupid, roll your eyes, talk under your breath, brat ass teenager I once was.... KARMA.. it's all karma.

Now when I need to cry I call Gail, cuz she is a strong woman and she, will tell me like it is. Set me back on the straight path and laugh at me when I need to be laughed at.

Momma you are still there too, to tell me I told ya so and say ugh huh... and is that so and to laugh at me b/c you know that it's your prayers that gave me Emily and you know exactly what I'm in for....... this is me right now ROLLING MY EYES AT YOU! Cuz I know you're laughing.

If I could give advice to my daughter now that she'd listen to, it would be this...
take your grades seriously!! Please don't just get by., try out for every sport you want to and don't let anyone tell you you can't do it. Make friends, lots of them, don't let them walk on you, but don't walk on them either. Don't make ANY boy your life, chances are you will have your heart broken many times before you find the love of your life, and he probably won't be someone you meet in high school. Chances are you'll also break some hearts and it's okay, don't stay if you're not happy. Sex isn't necessary to be popular, or to be in love and if you feel pressured by someone to "do it" please tell me so I can tell Andy, your Dad, and your uncles so that one of them can go beat someones ass. Don't be embarrassed when I really am carrying a pistol or cleaning a gun when you bring your first boyfriend to our home, it's just a little scare tactic, harmless I promise. Don't drink until your old enough and by that I mean legal age... it's not worth it and it's really stupid. Don't smoke pot, and don't do drugs, none of it is cool and I will whip the crap out of you. But as I'm telling you all the Don'ts..... I should say.... DO: laugh A LOT at yourself and your friends. DO: have boyfriends, but never let them "have" you, DO: fall in love, fall out of love, go to homecoming, support your school, fight for what you believe in, have a voice for yourself and be a STRONG WOMAN..... and know that even when I'm pissed, even when I'm so mad at you I can't see straight and you're grounded forever, that I love you, I believe in you and you are PERFECT to me.......
I know now that all those women in my life my mom, my aunts (all of them) my Nana, Gram, Donna.... they all thought I'd be somebody and they were all trying to make sure it happened....... I love you all.... and want to say to you, NOW I KNOW.... NOW I KNOW, and you all possibly were right all along.....

MAN!!! 4 YEARS OF sleepless nights, worries, anger, sadness, happiness, pride, joy... how much grey hair will I have on Emily's graduation night? Anyone wanna make bets?