just thinking...

Notice I always blog when I'm in reflection....

I have a daughter starting HIGH SCHOOL!! What happened where did time go to? My baby Emily is a FRESHMAN!! It's completely got me thinking of all the things I did... of all the things I don't want her to do... of all the things I should've done and didn't. Of all those people that watched me grow into who I am today.
By the time I was Emily's age I thought I had been in love twice. I thought that I would be best friends with my inner circle for life and that we would buy houses next to each other, have kids at the same time and grow old together on the same street. Turns out, I wasn't "in love" I was learning what love was about. I am still FB friends with most of the people that were in my inner circle, but we've grown and gone different directions and I don't think any of us live on the same street? I thought that my hair and clothes were important, that who liked me was more important and that if I didn't have my friends I had nothing in life. Turns out, fashion changes, and the only thing important about my wardrobe is that it doesn't have kid snot, spit or vomit on it, and it has limited dog hair over it. And while having friends is important, having family is the most amazing thing I've ever done in my life. Trusting that there are a few people that if I said COME NOW I NEED YOU... they would without hesitation, really is all you need. But I know that it's nice to see old familiar faces on FB and to see all of those lives and where they are today and be happy knowing we all survived our teenage years.

As I think about Emily starting high school I keep thinking back to everything I did then.. Everything I remember and all the women who tried to tell me so and I was not listening.... as Brad Paisley says "its safe to say that, I'll get my payback" .... I am!!
So I'd like to say thank you to my mother who.... told me that Jason Butler was not the end of the world and that I would have many boyfriends in my life. I remember thinking.. you have no idea what you're talking about!!  My mother who immediately told all of my aunts when I needed a training bra and when I got my period.. I remember thinking she is the most embarrassing woman in the world. My mother AND dad who hated Greg Whitwer.. all over some un-shoveled steps. I would like to say sorry to my sisters for ruining it for every guy that had the courage to walk into our parents home... we're still hearing about that today, it was like 21 years ago, you think they'd get over it??     My mother who did not approve of that Donahue Boy!! Who told me he wasn't good for me and who grounded me over and over again... I remember thinking BUT I LOVE HIM....   hmmm... turns out.... we weren't good for each other, and we both survived our horrible break up. Chad you are always in my memories. My Mom who thought my friends were crazy but let them all stay at our house almost every weekend, who took us to dances, who took us to the skating rink who bit her tongue more times than she cared to.....
Mom, remember that time we came home from the dance it was like 80 degrees and I was wearing a turtleneck? Lol... that was dumb... I hope my daughter never comes home with a hickey, I may lose my mind just like you did.....
There were so many times I thought you were unfair that I thought you didn't understand that I didn't like you very much.... looking back, when you told me to keep my hair out of my face, I shoulda listened cuz I hate it when Emily is eating and her hair hangs on her plate, when you said you can be anything in the world you want to be, and why don't you be a lawyer and buy me a big house, I should've listened, I may be done paying off law school by now..... but I think I did pretty good this way....
when you told me not to kiss that boy, I should've walked away, cuz you knew he'd break my heart and I'd be devastated... took me a long time to get over that one....
when you told me, don't sign anything... I should've listened, slept on it then picked Germany as my first duty station. I still would've chose MP and still would've signed the paper anyway. When you said are you sure you want to marry him.... I should've thought long and hard about that, I don't regret those babies but I wish I would've been more grown up before I got married that first time.
Momma you've been more important to me than I ever could've known at 13 or 15 or even 18... but I know it now b/c my 14 year old thinks i'm unfair, uncool, miserable, old and that I am trying to ruin her life... think one day she'll tell me I'm cool again? I love you momma

theres some other people that were crucial to me being me and to me growing up.
Gram, she always knew when I was bullshitting her.... damn it!! I hope I have half her skill as a bullshit detector....
Aunt Shelly - tell it like it is, you listened to everything I ever had to say, you told me exactly what you thought and you set me straight when I didn't have a clue.... turns out I needed you in my life.
Donna - thanks for getting me through my Jr. and Sr. year, for taking me to the hospital when I broke my foot racing out to that boys car... thanks for letting me cry and calling same said boy a jerk when he broke my heart and then telling me I shouldn't talk to him ever again, but giving me the phone every time he called after that. Thanks for getting me ready for Prom, and NOT laughing at my hair, even though I think you were lying when you said it looked great.... Thanks for helping me with graduation and driving with me to college that first day.

Now that I'm grown I still have challenges and freak outs, they're just very different. Now I look at EMILY and its like looking in the mirror at a 14 year old version of MYSELF! That, I hate you, you're stupid, roll your eyes, talk under your breath, brat ass teenager I once was.... KARMA.. it's all karma.

Now when I need to cry I call Gail, cuz she is a strong woman and she, will tell me like it is. Set me back on the straight path and laugh at me when I need to be laughed at.

Momma you are still there too, to tell me I told ya so and say ugh huh... and is that so and to laugh at me b/c you know that it's your prayers that gave me Emily and you know exactly what I'm in for....... this is me right now ROLLING MY EYES AT YOU! Cuz I know you're laughing.

If I could give advice to my daughter now that she'd listen to, it would be this...
take your grades seriously!! Please don't just get by., try out for every sport you want to and don't let anyone tell you you can't do it. Make friends, lots of them, don't let them walk on you, but don't walk on them either. Don't make ANY boy your life, chances are you will have your heart broken many times before you find the love of your life, and he probably won't be someone you meet in high school. Chances are you'll also break some hearts and it's okay, don't stay if you're not happy. Sex isn't necessary to be popular, or to be in love and if you feel pressured by someone to "do it" please tell me so I can tell Andy, your Dad, and your uncles so that one of them can go beat someones ass. Don't be embarrassed when I really am carrying a pistol or cleaning a gun when you bring your first boyfriend to our home, it's just a little scare tactic, harmless I promise. Don't drink until your old enough and by that I mean legal age... it's not worth it and it's really stupid. Don't smoke pot, and don't do drugs, none of it is cool and I will whip the crap out of you. But as I'm telling you all the Don'ts..... I should say.... DO: laugh A LOT at yourself and your friends. DO: have boyfriends, but never let them "have" you, DO: fall in love, fall out of love, go to homecoming, support your school, fight for what you believe in, have a voice for yourself and be a STRONG WOMAN..... and know that even when I'm pissed, even when I'm so mad at you I can't see straight and you're grounded forever, that I love you, I believe in you and you are PERFECT to me.......
I know now that all those women in my life my mom, my aunts (all of them) my Nana, Gram, Donna.... they all thought I'd be somebody and they were all trying to make sure it happened....... I love you all.... and want to say to you, NOW I KNOW.... NOW I KNOW, and you all possibly were right all along.....

MAN!!! 4 YEARS OF sleepless nights, worries, anger, sadness, happiness, pride, joy... how much grey hair will I have on Emily's graduation night? Anyone wanna make bets?