Thursday, February 16, 2012

"Give Me Revelation"

I've always considered myself someone who believes in a power greater than myself. Some people call it the Gods plural, some say it's Mother Nature, some say it's aliens, for me it's always been God. I was taught God created everything, the earth, the Heaven and that someday when I die I would go there, I would see all the people I've lost in my life and who wouldn't want to believe in something that incredible? When I was young, I was baptized as a Catholic and made First Communion as many young kids do. I was afraid of God at that time in my life. I was afraid of this great big church and I was afraid of the great man in the robe we called Father Hartnet, our Priest. I was afraid of that confessional and saying ALL OF THOSE Hail Mary and Our Father Prayers as penance for my sins. I went astray from the church. When I was 15 I lived with a pastor and his wife, they are awesome people. I got saved, I told everyone I believed that Jesus died on the cross for my sins and that through his death I am saved from my sins. Ah, seems lovely, but in all practicality as a teenage girl it didn't really mean a whole lot in my heart. I still did what wasn't really considered "Godly". I drank, I smoked, I had sex (before marriage), I cussed (like a sailor), I did drugs and I really didn't give a crap what people thought of it. I did all the things I had been told would get me a one way ticket to hell. But I had been told that as long as I believed that Jesus died for my sins that I would be forgiven and get into Heaven.
For many years I strayed from religion. I didn't have a desire really to build my relationship with God, I didn't really know if I believed in my relationship with him? I couldn't fathom why he would ever let anything bad happen to me if I was this child he loved so much? I went through so many trials and tribulations and all the while I thought I could do it on my own. Or I would pray to God only as a last resort instead of making it my first choice. There are so many things in my life that I let get in the way of me building a relationship with the only man in my life that will never forsake me, never leave me, always lift me up when I fall, always stand by my side when I walk the road of life with my head up, and the man that will carry me when I feel like I just can't go on anymore. Ah, you would think I was talking about my husband and to an extent my husband does those things for me, and God says he's suppose to do those things, but men are imperfect and he just can't be every single thing I need in my life at every moment in my life. The only man in my life that can do that is God. Ah, and where has God been the last however many years of my life I was doing all the things I shouldn't be doing? He's always been there for me, it's just been up to me to call on him. I still stray from religion, organized religion scares me. Someone telling me how I should be Godly or how I should be a Christian doesn't work for me. Someone telling me the Bible instead of allowing me to read it for myself, scares me, because are they really telling me what the Bible says? Someone telling me that I must attend church, that I must give 10% of my income to the church that I must go to Bible Study, that I must have my kids baptized or see them burn in hell is FREAKY!!! Who wouldn't RUN from the Lord with all of those conditions placed on you? Statistics are showing these days that many people are turning to Atheism and away from Christianity and why? Because of the lip service Christians provide. You know the Christians that attend church on Sunday and judge the rest of us who, drink, smoke, wear jeans in the house of God, spank or yell at our kids, and do other things they think are wrong. Just for the rest of us to see those same Christians screaming in the parking lot of the local Walmart at their kids. I'm a believer in if you talk the talk you should walk the walk. Now, you're asking me in your head what I'm talking about because you know I cuss, you know I yell at my kids (a lot), you know I drink, you know I like to have fun and you know there are a lot of things in my life that judgmental Christians wouldn't approve of. I'd be lying if I said I am running the path of the straight and narrow and that I'm never going to say the F word again and I'm never going to lose my temper with my kids and I'm done having a drink with dinner or going out with friends. And do I really need to add liar to my list of judgments that God will ultimately make on me? Yes I am saved by the Grace of God and the death of Jesus Christ, I am worthy and I get Grace for free, I don't have to "earn" it. God wants me to walk the path he has set for me, that he decided for me before I was born. But he knows I'm human, he knows I will stumble and fall he knows that I'm not PERFECT and he loves me anyway. And he says to me that if I confess my sins to him they will be forgiven. And now you're thinking... that sounds good, but your God forgives a guy who murders someone as long as he confesses it? Not exactly, God says that when you ask forgiveness you have to truly believe it in your heart, and that you're not suppose to do it again. So just saying yeah, I'm sorry I killed that guy doesn't get you your ticket into heaven.
Where am I going with this blog? Here's where........ It's about me!! Yes I'm being selfish (imagine that), but I'm being selfish in a different way. What do I mean? I mean recently I decided to attend the base chapel (air force base here called Peterson), I took my kids on their retreat and we had a good time. Then I went to Church a bit, then I tried the MOPS Group then I tried PWOC then I got sick, then I made excuse after excuse not to go to church or do any of it..... but this little voice inside me kept telling me I needed something, I needed some strength and I needed to figure out where it was going to come from. So I went to church, and the voice got louder, it said what do you need? How can you be strong for your family if you yourself are not strong? How can you convince others to have faith in you if you have no faith in yourself or anything else? Then I saw Pat. Pat is one of the Chaplin's wife and she is a minister herself. She told me I should try the PWOC (Protestant Women Of the Chapel) Group again, that they were just starting a new study and she was teaching one of them. So the voice got even stronger, and I thought but its early and I don't want to get out of bed that early.... but the voice said "you need this" so I went... and I went again and now I've been going for a month straight. And the voice inside me is even louder, and stronger!!! I've been reading my Bible. I got The Message Bible as a gift and it reads more like a story instead of verses with all those thees and thines etc. I can't understand in King James. Now, for some people King James is the only Bible to read but for me that doesn't work. Some people love hymnals, but for me Christian Contemporary and Rock is the only way to listen to music. And you know what, I'm listening to that voice a lot harder now. It's making a difference in my life. Little differences many people won't notice now. For example I'm cussing less (that doesn't mean I've stopped) but b/c of my changes and my new feelings toward God, I just don't feel right swearing. And when I do, I really honestly stop and think ew, I shouldn't do that, I don't need to do that, Lord I'm sorry and I'm really trying hard to be better. I've tried to stop yelling so much at my family. It's hard, they push my buttons and anxiety and anger are some things that I need to work on as I continue to build my faith but I'm actually making a serious effort to not yell so much. Some of you will be skeptics and I don't blame you, I too have been a skeptic of what having faith can do for me in my life. But I've found a place I belong, I'm not judged, no one cares if I wear jeans to church, and while they miss me if I don't come, no one says you must attend or judges me for not being there. I'm okay writing my check for what I can afford as an offering and signing it instead of feeling bad if it's only $5.00. I'm blessed. I truly believe that I am blessed and that is all I can offer you if you are skeptical of me right now. I know I'll stumble, I know I'll fall, I know my FB posts and blogs won't be all rainbows and roses but I also know that as I grow my faith the more peace and wonderful things I'll have in my life and the more at peace with myself I'll feel. That's why it's about me. It's about this relationship I want to have with God, it's about this feeling of peace I want to have, you can't even imagine how great I feel right now? I can't even explain it? So the title of my blog is "Give Me Revelation".... at the bottom of my blog is a song list and there is a song of this same title. For me music and song lyrics are how I relate life.  So here are the lyrics b/c this is how I have been feeling for so long and things are finally beginning to make sense to me..... Have a listen...
Revelation by Third Day
"My life, 
Has led me down the road that's so uncertain
And now I am left alone and I am broken, 
Trying to find my way, 
Trying to find the faith that's gone
This time, 
I know that you are holding all the answers
I'm tired of losing hope and taking chances, 
On roads that never seem, 
To be the ones that bring me home

Give me a revelation, 
Show me what to do
Cause I've been trying to find my way, 
I haven't got a clue
Tell me should I stay here, 
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I've got nothing without You
I've got nothing without You

Has led me down this path that's ever winding
Through every twist and turn I'm always finding, 
That I am lost again (I am lost again)
Tell me when this road will ever end

Give me a revelation, 
Show me what to do
Cause I've been trying to find my way, 
I haven't got a clue
Tell me should I stay here, 
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I've got nothing without You
I've got nothing without... 

I don't know where I can turn
Tell me when will I learn
Won't You show me where I need to go
Oh oh
Let me follow Your lead, 
I know that it's the only way that I can get back home

Give me a revelation, 
Show me what to do
Cause I've been trying to find my way, 
I haven't got a clue
Tell me should I stay here, 
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I've got nothing without You
I've got nothing without You

Oh, give me a revelation... 

I've got nothing without You
I've got nothing without You"